


A Road So Rough

by ethereal_xo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Lie Low At Lupin's (Harry Potter), M/M, Post-First War with Voldemort, Post-Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2020-12-27 05:11:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21113213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ethereal_xo/pseuds/ethereal_xo
Summary: "He hadn’t kept in touch with Sirius. It was too dangerous, he could have gotten caught with the Ministry knowing he was on the run and knowing the friendship that Remus had shared with him. It was too risky, they’d all agreed on that.Which was why Dumbledore’s letter had come as such a shock.And why his gut started to twist when he saw the battered black boots standing at the edge of his little garden."





	A Road So Rough

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome to my little contribution to the WS Games!  
I'd like to thank the mods for running such a wonderful fest and being so kind and helpful throughout the whole process. I'd also like to thank my beta, who helped when I was in need. 
> 
> Team: Embarkment  
Prompt: Life is a Highway by Rascal Flatts (where the title is taken from also)

The sun blinded Remus Lupin as he knelt down in the middle of his unkempt garden. It was late in the morning and the uncharacteristic heat was blazing down on his head. He wiped the side of his head with a loud huff and continued to dig holes in the prepared earth, planting seedlings as he went along.

He stilled when he heard the gravel crunch.

He’d known it had been coming, he’d known for at least a week. But that didn’t make the shock lessen anything.

He didn’t look up.

He hadn’t kept in touch with Sirius. It was too dangerous, he could have gotten caught with the Ministry knowing he was on the run and knowing the friendship that Remus had shared with him. They had even found out somehow that Remus had been in the Shack with him, despite Dumbledore trying to cover it up. It was too risky, they’d all agreed on that.

Which was why Dumbledore’s letter had come as such a shock.

And why his gut started to twist when he saw the battered black boots standing at the edge of his little garden.

Sirius had cleaned himself up since the last time Remus had seen him, shackled and on his way to one of the Hogwarts towers. He was now dressed in ripped blue jeans and a dark woollen jumper. He had a bright red waterproof parka thrown haphazardly over his shoulders, a cape of sorts. His long black hair, now shining in cleanliness, was loose around his face. But his face was still thin and sunken, his eyes still ringed with dark circles.

“I wasn’t expecting you until tonight,” Remus said softly.

Sirius shoved his hands into his pockets and bit his lip. “Dumbledore came to arrange something for Buckbeak. You know, the hippogriff I...you know. I figured, the sooner I could be out of _there_…” He stared at the ground. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have come unannounced.”

“It’s alright.” Remus rose and winced as his back immediately voiced its discontent. He waved Sirius away when he rushed over, and noticed the way he backed off with his imaginary tail between his legs. It was more unnerving than anything else had been thus far. “Here, I’ll throw down the kettle.”

They sat with steaming mugs between them and a blockade invisible to the eye but palpable to the mind. The distance had not been there in their youth, nor had it been there in the Shack, when the thrill of a vengeful kill took hold of them both.

“The journey was long,” Sirius said. “Really long. I would have regretted it as soon as I started if I didn’t know where I was going was a better place. Couldn’t Apparate, forgot how to do that. And Muggle trains really are a pain, you know that? Worse than the Hogwarts Express, but I always did love riding in it. We all did.” Remus knew that he’d not wanted to travel magically anyway in case the Ministry had a way of tracking him. He vividly remembered the cautious nature that Sirius had gained during the war and understood his thinking. Remus had gained the same guardedness himself. He could feel it now, keeping Sirius at a distance. The same way it did when the first war started… and the fights started. 

He was snapped out of his thoughts momentarily when Sirius left his mug down on the table and tugged at the ragged edges of his jumper sleeve, his teeth flashing in a half-smile. “This isn’t exactly how I imagined the grand reunion happening,” he breathed.

_He smiled at him in the candlelight, a promise on his lips. The reunion was long-awaited and the question asked was one Remus had been waiting for since the war began. They held hands over the dinner table and giggled. He kissed the gold on Remus’ finger._

Seeing the smile now sparked something in Remus, and he immediately stood up straight. “I never imagined any reunion happening.”

“Remus –”

“There’s a bedroom waiting for you upstairs. Bathroom’s next door, there are fresh towels in the hamper by the toilet. I’ll take the couch.” He left the room without another word.

Maybe he should have stayed a little longer. Maybe he should have shown him to the bedroom. It was only common courtesy. But he was off-kilter around Sirius in a way he didn’t like. So he got off the rollercoaster before it had a chance to begin.

He had lived in this cottage for a few weeks, a rundown place off the edge of Kent Town. He’d managed to find it after he left his post at Hogwarts. It was close enough that he could take a bike and cycle to town, but still a good distance away for privacy. Most of all, it had a stone shed in the back, with a reinforced door. The owner had told him that it had been previously used to house horses. It now locked a werewolf in once a month. But the defining thing about it was that Remus was alone here. And strangely, he didn’t mind that for once. He wasn’t burdening anyone. He had enough to get by.

But now Sirius was here. And somehow they fell into a strange routine in the days and weeks that followed Sirius’ arrival. Sirius mostly stayed in the house, reading or doing the crosswords in the newspapers. He was very quiet, and while Remus knew what he _should _do in this situation – talk to him – he didn’t want to. He tried to tell himself it was because he didn’t want a conversation to turn into something that made Sirius uncomfortable, but he knew deep down it was because he couldn’t face speaking to him himself.

Often however their evenings were spent together, sitting at the table and eating in silence. Sirius used to speak a lot, babbling about everything - how Harry might be doing, what the next move was, wondering whether or not the Order would be re-established if the rumours about the Death Eaters banding together again were true. Remus rarely answered. Soon Sirius stopped trying to make conversation, and the blackness between them thickened. 

When two months had passed, he’d long stopped trying to pretend that Sirius’ presence didn’t make him uncomfortable. It did from the very moment he arrived here. There was something missing that was needed and something present that was unwelcome. He wanted to go back to the way things were. He wanted to go back to the way they were in Hogwarts, before everything happened. Before Peter betrayed them. Before James and Lily…

“You didn’t visit me,” Sirius whispered one night over dinner. His eyes were glassy but not empty of emotion for once. It pulled Remus unwillingly into the past.

_A headline in the Prophet. A scream. The ring pulled off his finger and hurled across the room. He couldn’t believe it was true. He couldn’t! He couldn’t have…_

“No.” Remus set his knife and fork down on his plate, pursing his lips for a moment before he spoke again. “No, I didn’t.”

“Why?”

Remus didn’t speak for a moment, and when he did, it was quiet. “Because I thought you had killed them.”

“Voldemort killed them, Remus.”

“You know what I meant.”

“What? That I was the spy? That I sided with the very people that my parents adored, that killed my brother? Really, Remus, is that how little you thought of me?”

“Oh don’t you dare pull the self-righteous act, Sirius,” Remus snapped. “Don’t forget that you were the one that barged into my home –”

“That wolf-hole was _never _your home –”

“And accused me of being the spy. You threw the fact that I was a werewolf in my face.” Remus clenched his fists. “You were the _one_ person that I thought would never do that. Not James. Not Lily. Not Peter. _You_ were the one that I thought could always see past that. _Always_. And, in reality, you were the one person who believed that I could go so low as to join the pack supporting Voldemort.”

“C’mon, Remus –”

“_I’m not finished!_” Remus roared, slamming his hand down on the table. The glasses shook with the force and Sirius fell silent, eyes wide. “You did that, and I was hurt Sirius, more than I think you realise. And then I hear that James and Lily…” He swallowed at the sudden lump in his throat. “That they were gone, and that you… Sirius what was I supposed to think? I couldn’t believe you did it, but the evidence piling was against you and Peter’s finger…we both thought that Peter was too hopeless at spells to defend himself…”

“You should have believed in me!” Sirius shouted, jumping up from the table in a sudden movement. “You should have trusted me, as I trusted you!”

“You _never trusted me_, Sirius, that’s my point! As soon as the spy rumour started, it’s like you embarked on this mission to try and prove it was me!”

“As if you didn’t do the same.”

“I didn’t! I didn’t because I was trying to get Fenrir to trust me and to learn his plans! I had a job for the Order! I am _so sorry _if my first thought wasn’t always of you!”

“We all had jobs for the Order, believe it or not.” He watched as Sirius’ jaw tightened before he spoke again. “I didn’t kill them, Remus. I am the one who told them to make Peter their Secret Keeper. I thought I was too obvious a choice, too easily guessed. But I didn’t kill them. And I don’t need the reminder that you believed I was capable of killing them, of killing my friends.”

“And yet it’s perfectly reasonable for you to believe that I am capable, because of what I am.” Remus laughed bitterly. “I have no idea why I agreed to let you stay here, you’re just as suspicious of me as you were before. Aren’t you afraid I’ll turn and bite you in your sleep? Feast on your bones like the Muggles whisper about at night?”

“You being a werewolf never bothered me and you know it.”

“No, I don’t, because that’s not what you said to me that night.” He could still see him in the rain, his hair in raven rat-tails and his words arrows coated in acid. He turned and left him there in his hideaway. He didn’t see him again until his screaming photograph graced the front pages of the Daily Prophet.

Sirius opened his mouth, and then closed it. He was staring at Remus in a way that made him feel like his soul was being examined under a microscope. He hadn’t looked at him like that in a very long time. “What’s happened to us, Rem?”

The old moniker, pulled out like a rabbit from a hat. But no wonder filled Remus’ senses as it was spoken, only a poisonous mercury that made his whole body ache and tremble. It flooded his mouth so he could not speak. It filled his stomach, making it twist and turn as he continued to stare into wide grey eyes. Then, without his willing it, his legs carried him out of the house.

It was hours before he came back. Sirius was just as he had left him, only he was sitting now instead of standing. The plates were clean and drying on the rack by the sink. He was staring blankly at the table, and it took Remus scraping a chair against the floor and sitting in front of him to break the trance that he seemed to be lost in.

“Hi,” he said eventually.

“Hi,” Remus replied, biting at his lip. Sirius remained silent, waiting, and Remus knew now that he had to do what he had been avoiding – he had to talk.

“Sirius,” he began. “I…I’m sorry. I’m sorry I walked out. And for not talking, and… I just…this is a lot for me. I know it’s a lot for you too, and it’s not fair. God it’s not fair, you’re on the run. You spent years in that shithole. But I believed that you were guilty, for a very long time. Then I realise that you’re not, and then Dumbledore wants me to help you. And that’s not even getting into what happened before…” He felt a lump in his throat and he shook his head.

He saw Sirius’ hand move, and he flinched a little when he felt his fingers touch his wrist. Sirius backed his hand away, but Remus took a hold of it before he could pull it back all the way. Sirius squeezed gently, and before he knew it, Remus had started to cry.

Sirius’ hand left his, and then he was on the floor in front of him, eyes glassy. “Remus…” he breathed, clutching at his face. “Remus, I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” Remus closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Sirius’, grasping at Sirius’ hands gently. There was a burning sensation at the edges of his eyelids and the knots in his stomach loosened just slightly. “I can’t…”

“I know. I know. Not tonight.” Sirius’ thumb rubbed against his cheekbone. “It’s okay, shh…”

_He calmed down and picked it up later, tucked it back into the velvet box it was presented in. Hid it in his trunk, but never threw it away. He couldn’t bear it, not even after…_

Maybe some time soon, Remus would mention that he still had it. Maybe they would be able to go back to the place they were when it was given the first time, albeit older and more broken. But that someday would be a while off yet, there was still much work to be done. There was a war coming, and there was wreckage to be fixed right here between them. It was only the beginning. 

Remus slid down to the floor, buried his face into Sirius’ neck and listened to the night descend upon them.


End file.
